why wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in your hand

because... its still true.

habits. we all have them. some good for us, some bad. either way, they become part of us. who we are, how we identify ourselves. how we distinguish our selves from others, part of the pieces that make us up.
the process of letting go of a habit, or breaking that habit, is interesting, and difficult. bad habits are difficult to break for quite a few reasons. i mean most of the time if you analyze a bad habit youll find that rationally you do not want to be involved in that habit. cigarettes, alcohol, bad decision making, biting your nails. i mean on paper they are bad things for you. however...that bad habit- it becomes part of you. and letting that part of you go, no matter how bad it is, is difficult. its like losing part of your identity. being no longer able to identify with something that was such apart of you, something you did, someone you were.
breaking up with someone is similar to breaking a bad habit. there comes a point where you look at the situation rationally. ok, we are not meant to be for a, b and c reasons. but longing, and caring, and missing become habits that we fall into. we create the habit of wondering what they are doing, of thinking that they are great, smart, attractive, and kind. and it becomes part of a daily routine. to miss, to wonder, to long. and then that habit becomes part of who we are as a person. part of our identity. so rationally- its over. 'we' will not be for a, b, and c reasons. but breaking that habit is a whole nother emotional story.
letting go of a bad habit is still letting go of part of yourself. part of yourself that makes no sense, that is unhealthy. but its something you identified with. whether you identify as someone who longs for another or as the boyfriend or girlfriend we often tend to hold on to these 'identifiers' much longer than we actually need to get over the relationship or breakup because they become habit. and habits are just hard to break. 21 days, they say.

you keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew. red wine and cigarettes...hide your bad habits underneath the patio

you say that all is fair in love and war. as long as you get to win

so, here i am...finally. it took approximately 10 days in my new city to get undiscombobulated but im back and ready to go.

this weekend i met some great new friends. which of course inspired some relational conversation while drinking adult beverages in the company of others at a nice little spot in hayes valley.

there was this group of girls (with a purposeful use of the word) at the bar, maybe 7 or 8 of them and they were being as naive, giggly, and as carefree as college girls are at a bar on the sunday night of memorial day weekend with their whole drinking and dating life ahead of them. ok im getting ahead of myself.

so i was pleasantly surprised to be interrupted during my reminiscent observation by my new friend(we'll call him C) who was offering the story of a relational experience with one of the young ladies. he explained that they met at the same bar a few months back, called each other a few times, and then it dropped off (with her taking the lead on the 'dropping off'...). and unfortunately, as with many groups of 8 possibly underaged college girls, he wasnt sure if she was there that night because there were so many of them flitting around.

:::::tap on the shoulder::::

"C... is that YOU?!

so she was there. i pleasantly introduced myself to make it known that i was not a threat to them and excused myself.

throughout the night our leading Lady and C did the dance of ignorance quite well, coyly acting as if they were not aware of the other's whereabouts - disguising each strategic laugh, head non, glance and conversation.

this of course led to the inevitable... C chatting with Lady's friend...and becoming 'interested.'

so now C, completely unplanned, has a dilemma. he liked Lady, but she she didn't call. he manned up and moved on. but is Lady interested again? does Lady know that C was a little despondent over the occurrence? we discuss Lady's perfectly planned acts of ignoring and decided that C's is over it because he now likes Friend.

and it hit me. at 20 or 21, theres no way in hell that Friend would even think of pursuing anything with C. not because she was not interested. not because she was not attracted. but because of, seemingly over, "C and Lady."

and there i was, years older than Lady and Friend, thinking about my own bonds of girlhood in college and what i then thought was loyalty. and how, as a female in her midtwenties, i dont think that this said loyalty sticks around. which, actually, is not a bad thing. by midtwenties you know more about what you want in life and love (and everything in between), and therefore, you know much more quickly what you dont want. so its logical and rational to know after a few calls and dates if it is or is not something worth pursuing. but at 21 we are absolutely not logical or rational, and most certainly dont know what we want.

so here i am wondering why i believe that if the group of friends were 25+ this whole interaction would have gone differently. i feel pretty confident saying that Lady and Friend would have probably discussed the situation in the bathroom, or outside over a cigarette. Lady clarifying if in fact she is still interested in C or not, and if not, Friend chats him up.

but is it just because we are wiser, older, and more beautiful, that we know more about what we want? or is it an unconsciously disguised sense of jadedness? we know how hard the game of dating is, and more importantly, will get. we don't want to let this chance go because one night 2 months ago for a million different reasons, two people started talking at a bar. because what matters is that right now, two people are talking at a bar and it seems like it could go somewhere. does this mean we become unloyal? no. i think, actually, we become more loyal. we want our friends to find, or have the chance to find, someone as much as we do for ourselves.
so there it is. a crazy night of reminiscing, analysis, and entertainment presents our opportunity for dating wisdom- loyalty is as changing as the seasons in the midwest. and when it comes to dating, loyalty does not necessarily mean what we once thought it did.

ill let you fall in love with me, show you how easy it could be, california girl of your dreams

so. california. ive traveled a crooked route to get to this crooked street city. but here i am.
and though im blogging, and usually good at this, ive been so discombobulated lately that its hard to even begin explaining my thoughts, fears, hopes or dreams.
so as of now... here are my thoughts in someone elses brilliantly written words...

well there are times when you know when you should stay, when you should go
but you don't. rehearse the lines in your head, you know what needs to be said. but it all comes out bad. and if it's space that you need, if time is falling at your feet walking away empty. love is a crazy dream... is it what you want, is it what you need.
we go back and forth, making war out of peace.
and you won't let go, and I won't give up. we go round and round but is it ever enough, is it ever enough.
lately I'm falling away, growing more quiet by the day. not really sure why I even feel this way. I guess I got a little scared someone could actually care. this time, just might be something there. and if it's change that you need, a little more mystery, some kind of deeper meaning...love is a crazy dream. is it what you want is it what you need we go back and forth making war out of peace. and you won't let go and I won't give up we go round and round but is it ever enough is it ever enough
I'm sure I'll mess it all up I'm sure I'll try to convince myself that I just need to be. but what I want to be is something else, someone else. so why did we cross the line, mess it all up with time and in the end just assume it'll be alright?